please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize