i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
