Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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