I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
