your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize