On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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