i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
