Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
