I think I just saw someone hide a body.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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