I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
