i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
