So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize