yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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