6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
