I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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