dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
