I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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