Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
