writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
