My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Soap is not a condiment
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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