It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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