I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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