The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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