The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize