before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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