I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Randomize
