He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize