Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
