Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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