Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
