Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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