Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
why do cheetos always look like penises
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
