This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
