Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
