ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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