Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
