Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My bed smells like the plague
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
