She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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