The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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