So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you traded sex for a burrito?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
