Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize