He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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