Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(914): View more from New York

I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote

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(330): View more from Ohio

That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.

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(914): View more from New York

fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.

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(845): View more from New York

hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table

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(567): View more from Ohio

i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned

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(650): View more from California

Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them

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