She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
