I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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