I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
