someone threw a dead crab at me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
