If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
