Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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