It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He has the fingertips of a God
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