I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
