omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
