I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
