I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
