I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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