Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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