JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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