I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
