He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
