I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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