My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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