Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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