you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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