You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
