I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize