I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
