I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
