Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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