no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize