i just had sex bonerless
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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